Friday, 30 September 2011

Because I'm (clearly not) Worth It

The unseasonably warm weather has presented a dilemma for those of us of pasty leggage who had believed that we were safe for another year.

Day 1 I went for the denial tactic - boots and tights - and almost expired from heat exhaustion. Day 2 - jeans and Converse...not an awful lot better.

Then yesterday morning I chanced upon a can of L'Oreal spray tan in the bathroom cabinet and figured this was a sign from above that I should dare to bare like the rest.

'Streak free' proclaimed the can. What could possibly go wrong?

I sprayed, according to the instructions. I dried as it told me to dry. My legs were still white enough to be seen from space so out came the long trousers again and a jolly day was passed with family and friends. Until...

Bedtime. Removal of trousers. Discovery that I had turned into a (mutant) zebra. Much hyperventilation, panic and scrubbing. To no avail.

(I offer only a small example of the horror - there is only so much leg I can expose on the world wide web under any circumstance)

Realising I had to take the girl swimming within hours I turned to Twitter for advice...which ranged from helpless laughter to the suggestion I buy a burkini.

The lack of late-night burkini shops in North London left me no option but to go for the only other advice from the Twitterati: lemon juice.

Now, in the cold light of day I am able to report back.

- I still look like a zebra.

- I smell like a pancake.

- I am being attacked by wasps.

- The 3yo has just seen the stripes and recoiled in horror.

- I have run out of time and options.

Don't suppose anyone has a wetsuit I can borrow?

7 comments:

  1. Oh dear. I hate fake tan, I will never use it again after having a professional one done and turning into an orange.x

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  2. Oh dear. On the few attempts I have had with moisturiser with a hint of tan, I have failed.

    Snow is forecast for end of Oct/Nov!


    Have a good weekend

    carol

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  3. Update: tried nail polish remover as per another Twitter suggestion. Has not done a thing other than made me nervous of walking too close to a naked flame

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  4. Update 2: back from swimming. Someone asked me if I had vitiligo.

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  5. Oh dear... I've just gone for the 'freak everyone out with my legs so pale they are flourescent' look!

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  6. pictorialmum -in retrospect that is the ONLY way!

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  7. Totally hlarious, Cari! Not for you, of course.
    Mind you, I wear thick black tights all year because of my fat/thin, milk-white, very hairy leg things!

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